A simple way to create a perfectionism-free holiday season
I have to admit I am a bit of a taskmaster.
My week begins like this: I organize the crucial actions that should be completed, and then, a friend or client reaches out and asks me to attend a holiday event. I check my calendar and think, “How am I going to fit this all in”? My chest tightens, my shoulders rise, and my breathing gets shallow. My body is telling me that it is not happy!
Despite wanting to connect with my friends and clients, my body seems to revolt, signaling an anxious state that screams, "No more tasks, especially those not on the list!"
In a surprising turn of events, I postponed the gift wrapping, card writing, and tree decorating and gave a resounding "yes" to both invitations. To my delight, I thoroughly enjoyed the events, which infused me with newfound energy to tackle that ever-expanding to-do list. But how did I arrive at this liberating moment?
“Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” We need to have more freedom of choice.
I would like to take the word should and remove it from our vocabulary forever.”Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life, 1999, pages 30-31.
This quote by Louise Hay, a globally recognized self-help author, resonates deeply with me. I never fully grasped the negativity embedded in the word "should" until I began scrutinizing its usage in conversations with my friends, clients, and relatives. It seems the word is rarely employed as a positive direction but rather as an obligation carrying dire consequences. Worse yet, failing to adhere to these "shoulds" might brand you as lazy, impolite, ungracious, selfish, unproductive, and so on.
It prompted me to ask myself, “What do I truly want?” and “What is the underlying narrative woven into these ‘shoulds’?”
As I tuned into my self-talk, it became evident that I define myself through a taskmaster lens, driven by the compulsion to get things done. Stepping back, I wrestled with the validity of these "shoulds" and questioned whether they still held weight, especially this holiday season, with holiday parties finally back in full swing. Simultaneously, I recognized that these standards were deeply ingrained in my identity as a doer, achiever, athlete, businesswoman, etc.
Opting to attend events with my friend and client, I felt a surprising surge of energy and potential advantages. As I deliberated this choice, my breathing slowed, and stress began to dissipate. Could I still accomplish my tasks? I realized I could meet work goals, handle holiday tasks, and have more fun.
Perhaps—sometimes—joy can take precedence over work. The key is to reframe the "should." I asked myself:
“What will be the most energizing/joyful?”
“What would you like to do?” or “What could you do?”
“What will happen with the work? When can I complete the tasks, and is that good enough?”
By removing the "should" from my questions, I found relaxation, and new possibilities began to unfold. It was that simple.
To experience a perfectionism-free holiday, start by becoming aware of how often you say "should" each day. Differentiate facts from interpretations with the goal of bringing these stories to the surface, examining their usefulness in achieving our goals, and fostering joy in our lives.
In this time of holiday hustle, we could all use a little more joy.