Nurture yourself so you can bounce back more quickly!
“The art of life is not controlling what happens, it’s using what happens.”
“Limits lead to invention.”
—Gloria Steinem*
Why do I struggle to see challenges as opportunities for invention?
As a perfectionist in recovery, I must work to overcome my feeling that self-worth stems from accomplishments.
As Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,* would put it, I’ve had a fixed mindset throughout my life, rather than a growth mindset.
Dweck, a world-renowned Stanford University psychologist, has researched achievement and success for decades. She found that our self view profoundly impacts the way we live our lives. Those with a growth mindset—the belief that they can improve through their own efforts—tend to thrive when things are not going well. With a growth mindset, anyone can enhance their ability to play a sport or learn a new skill.
But if you tend toward a fixed mindset, you hold the belief that your qualities (such as math or athletic ability) are carved in stone. This belief tends to bring about an urgent need to constantly prove yourself—as I did as a child tennis player. I felt that I was only as good as my latest win or loss, which led to panic attacks during matches. And in the fixed mindset, a failure just reinforces the feeling that you’re not good enough!
I had a few challenging days at work.
My women’s leadership groups transitioned from lively, in-person sessions to remote meetings due to COVID-19.
Many of the participants have small children. Some lost their jobs. Others have completely new challenges with working at home and sheltering in place. My job is to help them grow as leaders and as people.
Pre-COVID, we had rich, two-hour, face-to-face conversations with meaty exercises. Now, thanks to remote work and home-schooling children, we moved to one-hour blocks and I lead two groups in two days.
Overnight, I had to get comfortable with facilitating on Zoom. As a group, we had to grapple with the notion that this might be going on for quite some time.
Would one hour be adequate for me to facilitate discussions to inspire participants to think beyond the current world and grow their leadership skills? With this doubt in mind, I logged into the first session, and had so many mixed feelings:
Later I reflected on those feelings and remembered comments from Deborah, a participant in my SANE Program, who has been working on her fixed mindset. She was amazed that her 12-year-old son was learning about growth mindset in seventh grade and wished she had learned this long ago. Middle school curriculum has certainly changed!
Deborah also shared that she is not feeling “good enough” right now—and that’s exactly how I feel. I was not embracing the new challenges that have been thrown in my path. Instead of feeling energized, this COVID-19 situation feels more like combat duty.
Then I noticed that others are equally unsure and uncomfortable.
At the next meeting, I admitted to the group that I’m new to this virtual, covid world and, “I don’t know.”
I shared that I want to offer value without devolving into a bitch session, but it is more challenging in short sessions. I asked for their perspectives and what they need to make this time valuable.
Much to my surprise and delight, these were their comments:
I left this conversation energized and looking forward to our next meeting, brimming with new ideas, and experiencing a sense of relief.
This is real-life example of the growth mindset: taking charge and asking for feedback.
For me, it was taking a tiny step with a group I trusted. Through self-compassion, I eased into doing something that felt uncomfortable.
I started to let go of the idea that I must always be in charge and know everything. This made me feel more connected to the group—and to myself.
The shift was certainly not instant. I need to work on preparing properly, adopting quickly, and feeling confident.
I took my own struggles—as well as those of my participants—and included them in my eBook, in a chapter on Fixed versus Growth mindsets.
Do you struggle with adopting a fixed mindset and self-compassion? Are you looking for small steps to stay positive and SANE as this Covid crisis continues to evolve? Check out my eBook or join my Taster Program!
Both quotes from Gloria Steinem, The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Piss You Off!: Thoughts on Life, Love, and Rebellion (Random House, 2019), p. 76, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10074892-the-art-of-life-is-not-controlling-what-happens-it-s. Verified June 12, 2020.
Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (Random House, 2006). The entire book explores the interplay of fixed vs. growth mindsets, beginning on page 18. https://www.google.com/books/edition/ Mindset/fdjqz0TPL2wC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=growth%20mindset. Verified June 12, 2020.