The New Love Language: This is What Love Communication Looks Like at Work

The resurgence of Mean Girls as a blockbuster movie has sparked conversations about the challenges women face in asserting their power. Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, attributes these challenges to the absence of traditional pathways to power for women, leading to the prevalence of passive-aggressive approaches (NYTimes, January 14, 2024, “When Mean Girls Grow Up” by Hannah Seligson).

However, I firmly believe there's a different, more inspiring way forward.

In my role as a coach, I've observed successful women grapple with expressing power in their communication both at home and in the workplace. Apologies seem to be an unintended default, with women often apologizing excessively, undermining their authority. I recently witnessed a scientist and an investment banking executive each apologizing three times within minutes for simply expressing themselves—one for “speaking too long” during a three-minute speech and the other for not wanting to confront a direct report for her problematic behavior. 

It's time to challenge the notion that women must apologize for taking up space and reframe their communication as a source of power and, dare I say, love.

Historically, women have faced a unique challenge in exuding power, grappling with societal double standards that label assertiveness in women as aggression. To sidestep this judgment, women often adopt apologetic behaviors, apologizing unnecessarily to avoid being perceived as overly aggressive. It's time to transform women's apologizing and other perceived 'weak language' from negatives into sources of power and love.

Understanding the nuances of apologies is crucial. While one type expresses regret for a mistake, the other, more commonly used by women, seeks to maintain relationships by expressing regret for things that don't warrant an apology. Renowned linguist Deborah Tannen notes that women's identity often stems from intimacy, driving them to connect with others even when an apology is unwarranted. This awareness is the first step in empowering women to communicate with both assertiveness and love.

How can women leverage their innate desire to connect while communicating with confidence and love? The key lies in striking a balance, avoiding the extremes of being the mean girl or the over-apologizer. In his article, "Women Know Exactly What They’re Doing When They Use ‘Weak Language," Adam Grant proposes a middle ground. Research indicates that women's use of tentative language, expressing humility and concern, doesn't lack assertiveness but conveys interpersonal sensitivity, making it a powerful communication tool.

In a world where women's power is often perceived as threatening, it's essential for women to navigate conversations with language that is assertive yet mindful of others' perspectives. Rather than penalizing women for speaking their minds, society should recognize the strength in assertive language tempered with concern and humility. Striking this middle ground can transform communication, fostering trust and likability.

What works is “I am no expert, but my recommendation would be…”  or “Wouldn’t you say x might work?” Incorporating these expressions into conversations has demonstrated enhanced likability and trustworthiness among male audiences. Meanwhile, assertive language has been found to make a woman more persuasive to her female audience.

As we strive for a world of greater connectedness and collaboration, let's encourage women to embrace their unique communication styles. By acknowledging the strength in assertiveness and sensitivity, we pave the way for empowered communication that fosters love, confidence, and meaningful connections. It's time for women to speak their truth without fear, finding their voice in a world that celebrates both assertiveness and empathy.

Happy Valentine’s Day!