Finding Self-Compassion
Let me share a story. It’s about how letting go of perfection transformed one woman’s life.
Faye, a single working mother, joined my group coaching program because she worked in a male-dominated environment. As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, she never felt good enough. She felt lower in confidence compared to her male colleagues.
She hoped to feel more joy and confidence in her life. After the first group session, which focused on building a positive emotional climate, she realized that she wasn’t very compassionate with herself. She adopted an affirmation: “I will be supportive of myself, no matter what.”
She took a half-day off to attend an event with her daughter. In the past, she would have forgone the event, fearful of being perceived as a woman who takes time off for her children.
Faye realized she held numerous negative views about herself. The small group helped her work through a list of positive attributes for which she’d received accolades at work and in life. Reflecting on this list, she recognized she has a lot to offer but has been beaten down. She understood that being with her daughter brought her joy.
The surprise was that taking time off for herself built her confidence. She felt energized and came back to work feeling empowered.
The following week, her boss gave her feedback that she’d handled a complex project well despite a few errors. She repeated her affirmation before she met with him to review the mistakes. This allowed her to feel self-compassion—not self-doubt—as she corrected the errors.
Self-compassion turned out to be her critical takeaway. Practicing self-compassion led her to apologize less and feel more self-assured at work.
Faye and I had a follow-up conversation three months later. She had successfully detached over the Christmas holidays and enjoyed time with family and friends. This small step of practicing self-love provided the way out of a joyless and perfectionist-striving life.
I share Faye’s story and others throughout my new book, The Productive Perfectionist: A Women’s Guide to Smashing the Shackles of Perfection. The anecdotes offer examples of a common perfectionist belief that if you can’t take a big step, why bother? This belief becomes a vicious cycle. To counteract that attitude, The Productive Perfectionist teaches habits that are small enough to do daily. Similar to overcoming writer’s block, you just need to get started.