How a Moment of Awe Led to My New Year’s Challenge
“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”
Compromise is not a word that makes me smile. Instead, it brings up feelings of losing, settling, or ending up with a less-than-desirable result. Perhaps it is because I am the oldest of five, spending a significant time paving my own way and caring for my younger siblings. Maybe it was my 20+ years as a competitive tennis player, where losing wasn’t a desirable option. My identity was built around confidence, success, and self-assertion. Yet I may have been missing out on something much bigger.
Over the Christmas-New Year’s holiday, my husband and I visited a friend in Charlottesville, Virginia. We had a delightful week playing tennis, hiking, and sampling various breweries and restaurants.
My favorite activity was visiting Monticello, the home of the third president and author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson. The tour's highlight was meeting and conversing with Mr. Jefferson (well, the closest we could get to him: the actor, Bill Barker, who has been portraying him for over 40 years). I had always wanted to grab a drink with one of our founding fathers and I was finally given the opportunity.
Before Mr. Jefferson entered the room, we were told that he stays in character and that we couldn’t ask questions about current events as he wouldn’t know how to answer them.
There were so many things I wanted to ask him:
Why did you enter politics since you never seemed to enjoy it?
What did you think of Alexander Hamilton?
Why didn’t you free your slaves since you spoke out against slavery?
Why were you so passionate about separating church and state?”
Thomas entered the room dressed as he might have looked at age 70, in his retirement. He began thanking us all for coming—as a Virginian he believes in making everyone feel welcome.
He shared his views about life, politics, and America. He said that he used to view politics as a dirty business, but came to see it as public service, which was his reason for choosing the profession.
The eldest of 10 children, he was convinced that his duty as a free landowner was to vote and run for office. He came to believe that the key to succeeding in politics was to “compromise”. He continued to use the word often over the course of those next 30 minutes.
As Mr. Jefferson spoke, I realized that the United States would never have been created if the founding fathers had not made significant compromises. As Jefferson said, the English were happy to see the thirteen colonies bicker in disagreement—it kept them from rebelling. Jefferson shared how radical it was to come together, compromise, and create a form of government that was for and by the people.
Thomas Jefferson was delightful and welcomed every question, including the challenging ones. I asked, “What’s the deal with you and Mr. Hamilton?” He smiled and laughed at my use of “the deal.” He said that he and Mr. Hamilton had diverse views, which he appreciated, “how boring the world would be if we all had the same perspective!”
I thought of the world we now live in, one where politics can’t be brought up at the dinner table, where families and friendships have been ruined due to political differences, and where Democratic and Republican views have become further polarized due to an unwillingness to compromise. It’s as if we have gone backward.
That was upsetting to think about. If compromise birthed this nation, how did we come to see it as losing or a less-than-acceptable result? How did we become a nation that doesn’t welcome conversations with those who have diverse perspectives?
It brought me to dissect my relationship with compromise. What if I made “intentional compromise” my challenge for 2023? What if I decided to befriend this idea and look for opportunities to lead with compromise versus seeing it as a fallback position? Compromising could be the strategy to create something bigger than myself.
Where might there be opportunities to strengthen a difficult relationship? Become closer to someone I love? Where might I work together with others to make a larger impact in the world?
It led me to reflect on my recent, less-than-satisfying visit with my developmentally disabled brother, Chris, over the holidays. Chris loves to talk. Within minutes of our arrival, he had interrupted me, spoken over my husband, and ignored his friend Arthur.
I let Chris know that his behavior was inappropriate and rude. He got a little defensive but quickly sat down and apologized. His behavior improved.
This uncomfortable interaction is nothing new. But I was surprised by how annoyed I became. Why did I let it bother me that Chris was not listening? This was commonplace.
It hit me that I had an idealized view of the perfect holiday. I thought, “If I can accept that the goal is to have a reasonably enjoyable time—given who Chris is—I need to lead with compromise.”
I realized that I needed to use an old tactic with Chris that I used with my late father, Richard, who had somewhat similar conversation habits. When I used to meet Richard for dinner, I would make a friendly request that he would only bring up three complaints/negative topics. I, in turn, would hear these out, but it would not dominate our time together. This approach allowed us to have a relatively civilized experience with a limited number of complaints and negativity.
I love Chris and understand that he isn’t going to become a perfect communicator. I can’t expect that from him. Compromise on my part will strengthen our relationship.
The more I see compromise as a way to live happily in an imperfect world, where differing views, styles, and approaches are plenty, the more I see the ability to build a more tolerant, compassionate world.
This will be my challenge for 2023—seeking opportunities to lead with compromise. Care to join me?
