Spring Into Small Talk
It was my first in-person business networking event in almost three years, and I found myself overwhelmed. It felt so wonderful to see people again, hug them, and hear their stories. But at the same time, it seemed that everyone, including myself, was out of practice. Conversations were filled with details of jobs that I didn’t quite understand and personal information that I wasn’t ready to absorb. The number of marriages and stepchildren one person had was not typically a conversation starter at previous networking events!
When the world went into lockdown, and many jobs went remote, home and work life began to blur. Connections were made virtually through screens, and many turned to social media to share intimate pieces of their daily lives. The typical filters on work conversations were turned off, and we were left with over-sharing fatigue.
Throughout the networking event, it became glaringly apparent that filter-less over-sharing had seeped into networking. It felt like a speed-dating nightmare!
As I navigated the event, I couldn’t help but think of a recent “small talk mishap” that happened at lunch with a friend. We were preparing to check out and my friend began chatting with the group in front of us. She offered up a compliment and one of the women shared some details of her day. My friend went on to ask her if she was having lunch with her mother, motioning to the gray-haired woman standing next to her. The woman with gray hair laughed and said, “No, I’m her sister. And this is the last time I let myself go gray.”
My friend was embarrassed. She apologized and everyone laughed. Although no offense was taken, it was a good reminder for small talk conversations not to get too personal too soon. Oversharing and forcing a more profound connection can often leave one or more parties uncomfortable.
Although social media would have us believe otherwise, humans are not 16-second TikTok clips that someone can scroll past if they don’t like what we are saying. We must face the awkwardness head-on in these scenarios.
This networking experience reminded me of why small talk is so important. I recently attended a standup comedy show, Small Talk by the raspy voiced, Brooklyn-accented comedian Colin Quinn.
I have seen many of his previous shows and find his observations insightfully humorous. It was almost as if Mr. Quinn was a fly on the wall at this networking event. In the show “Small Talk,” Colin shared that small talk is down 87%!
Though I’m not sure where he gets his data, I agree that we need some practice. Colin reminded us that humanity began with small talk—it’s what connects us. His “how-to” advice is to begin with facts, such as, “It is Wednesday night. Middle of the week… ugh.”
His follow-up advice is to teach children—before preschool—that they are “going out into the real world where they will need to walk onto the bus or into the classroom with something to say, like ‘How about the bus driver?’ or, ‘Crazy weather today, huh?’”
Colin offered data surrounding the financial success of those who master small talk and of those who don’t. I could picture all these ambitious parents in the audience running home to teach their children these small talk tips.
While many of Colin’s stories and observations made me giggle, I took a few to heart. The world we live in isn’t just about wearing the right shirt or having the most pristine makeup while presenting on Zoom. We live in a society where connecting with others matters.
Sure, it may feel tempting to hide at home in yoga pants, but making an effort to get dressed, find curiosity in others, laugh at lame jokes, and offer compliments is how to connect.
I left Colin’s talk inspired to make an effort to practice small talk. This personal quest has already helped improve my mood and feeling of connection.
There are a lot of articles, books, and YouTube videos to help improve your small talk. Here are a few simple DOs and DON’Ts I found. You’ll notice that sharing too much of your personal life or inquiring about others’ relationships is not recommended.
Small Talk DOs and DON’Ts
DO repeat someone's name. People remember when you take extra care to catch their name.
DO smile.
DO use small talk to start a meaningful conversation, which can include simple things such as a compliment, weather, etc.
DO ask open-ended questions such as “What brought you to this event or to join this organization?” Then ask follow-up questions.
DON'T end a conversation abruptly. Instead, say something like, “I am going to get a drink - really thirsty. It was nice talking with you!”
DON'T spam your business cards or LinkedIn contacts unless it seems like a meaningful connection.
The goal is to foster a connection. Outside of that, the conversation could become uncomfortable and lead to unintended reactions. As we warm up to the idea of being social again, remember that it's important to connect, but we don’t need to share everything in order to do so.
